I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
