Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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