Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
