I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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