I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Watching her eat just hurts me
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
