tequila makes me forget i have legs
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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