Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
