new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
