I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
