I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
