every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
