i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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