peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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