Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
