Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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