I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
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I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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