Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
