I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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