I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
