It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All the doctor said was why
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
