I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
