Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
