just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
