You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
