I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
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my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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