i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
