Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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