yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My breath smells like gin and sadness
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
