Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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