hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
