I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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