Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
pray to the hookup gods
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
