Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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