theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
