and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
