I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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