so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
