Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
