Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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