Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fuck appropriateness.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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