I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
