just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
