just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
