im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
