She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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