Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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