hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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