so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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