The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I came so hard my ears popped.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
