If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
