Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
