He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
