The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
