My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
