Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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