im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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