I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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