I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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