god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
